Alo-Fear! What is it?
There is a famous quote that reads, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
I think about this quote each and every time someone begins to blurt out some ridiculously ignorant comment about my hair loss. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean this in a bad way. I know that for most people their comments are coming from a good place in their hearts. I believe that there are very few people that chose their comments in a mean spirited way.
Having alopecia and constantly anticipating these comments have instilled a type of fear in me in which I like to refer to as , “alo-fear”.
But, that’s only one aspect of this little known type of fear. Based on my own experience and existing research, studies have shown there is a direct relation with having alopecia and psychological disorders like social anxiety which is characterized by the humiliation of being judged. It is also known to cause feelings of grief, anxiety, loss, embarrassment, loneliness and anger. While these studies and my experience have been proven to be true, not everyone’s experience is exactly the same. There are many factors to consider. For instance, the onset of the disease. In my case, I was a 47 year old woman at the onset. My experience would be obviously much different from someone who’s onset would have been for a 4 year old little boy, or maybe a 15 year old girl.
I’ll share a little about my "Alo-Fear" and my first experience with going out in public for the first time bald.
I remember the day so clearly. I kept feeling like it was something I HAD to do. I couldn’t shake the feeling. At the same time I felt a sense of terror. I was nauseated. I kept telling myself that I was tired of being a “fake”. I was tired of hiding my “dirty little secret”. I had this uncontrollable urge to share with the world the reflection I saw in the mirror each and every day. That thought consumed every fiber of my being. So much so, it affected my sleep, my closest of relationships, my work, but most of all, and the worst of it all was that it was changing me. I became withdrawn, lonely, anti-social, and embarrassed of the image I had created. It was an image of this new person with all her wigs, eye liners, lipsticks, new clothes, etc. Seemed everything I purchased was flashy, or overly seductive or just flat out didn’t look anything like my natural self. I wanted to bury my old self as deeply as I could. I even had dreams and sometimes nightmares of my hair or lack thereof. You see, I was grieving. Grieving the same way you would if you lost a person, or another part of your body. I though, “surely, you are losing your mind”. So, this day, I decided no more will I walk around carrying this heavy weight around. All of this stuff has to come off!
I called my sister over and we decided to go to Walmart. I told her what I was about to do thinking she would discourage me but to my surprise she was all for the plan. So she held my hand and said, “Let’s go.”
We pulled up in the huge parking lot and I thought to myself that I wasn’t really going to go through with my plan. I sat in the passenger seat of the car and I froze. I think I sat there for about 5 minutes and then I heard my sister say my name and said softly, “come on, let’s just go.” I got out of the car and to me, I felt so free to have the sun and the air hitting my scalp. That feeling lasted all of 10 seconds. After that, I could feel my body begin to shake with undeniable fear. It felt like it took and hour to walk from the car to the front entrance of the Walmart store entrance. I could feel a million eyes staring at me although, I believe it might have only been two people staring. I walked into the cool air-conditioned store and I remember thinking, “Damn, my head feels cold! Wish I had one of my head wraps!” At first I looked down as I walked and my sister said to hold my head up. I did and I looked at people’s faces. Their reactions ranged everywhere from surprise to confusion and everything in between. I was overwhelmed. But the more I tried to figure out the reactions, the less fearful I became. I felt a certain power in that for some strange reason. Then before I knew it, I was focused on what I wanted to buy in the store. My sister met up with me late in another part of the store and asked how I was doing and I just smiled and said that I was OK. Surely, I had conquered my fear! I, my friend, was going to be OK! That notion would proven to be short lived by the time I got to the checkout like to pay for my items.
I stood in line and took pride in my beautiful bald crown and was kind of liking the attention I was getting from all the stares until that little girl looked at me.
I was standing in line behind a woman and her adorable little girl who was about four years old. She took one look at me and was completely confused. She looked directly at me and could see she quickly went from confusion to fear so I just smiled at her in hopes calm her fear. Instead she let out a very loud cry and yelled for her Mommy. Oh, this is just great! Not only is everyone staring at me, they are not staring at the poor little girl, her embarrassed mother, the disruption in the line because the cashier is taking too long because the mother had to stop to console her child. I wanted to crawl under a rock. It was then that I realized that it was going to take more than a trip to store to overcome my “Alo-Fear”. However, it was a start. I just kept holding onto that powerful feeling had at first when I was focused on other people’s reaction to me earlier. I also reminded myself that people are going to continue to say and do things as a result of whatever it is that they see when they look at me and it will range from curious to downright rude and inappropriate.
So how do you conquer “Alo-Fear”?
I’m not a licensed therapist, but I have been to one. I have alopecia and I no longer have “alo-fear”. So I will speak from that corner of the room folks.
Answer:
AWARENESS, AWARENESS. AWARENESS
Notice your anxiety. Just notice it. Don’t try to define it or fix it.
Ask yourself, “What can I really do about my situation right now to make myself feel better?”
What is the worst thing that can happen?
Be in the moment. Practice Mindfulness.
Repeat those steps
Many of us who suffer from severe hair loss need to seek outside help. We can do it on our own. I know I couldn’t which is why this very blog exists. There are websites, support groups, social media pages of all kinds. Remember, you are not alone. We are living the life. We are not just fixing our looks (that is if you even want to) and I use that term “fix” loosely! We are fixing our emotions, our minds and along the way educating others about what we are going through!
Don’t be afraid to seek outside help!
Conquering your “Alo-Fear” is just another step of your journey to self-acceptance and self-love.
And remember, “You can’t walk a straight line with crooked shoes!”
Keep your balance. Stay educated. Inform others. Spread awareness.
Remember, Crowned Regal Loves You!
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Twitter @crownedregal11
Crowned Regal’s Blog: “A Day in the Life of an Alopecian"